Merry Clem-mas_Clem Starr Demon Fighter Read online

  I pounced on him when he got to the bottom of the stairs.

  “Watch it,” he said. “You’ll break something.”

  “Work files don’t break. You’re lying.”

  I grabbed one of the bags from him. They so weren’t work files.

  “You’ve been Christmas shopping! You dirty liar. You said you hated Christmas, but you totally went Christmas shopping. Did you get me something? If it’s your shitty motivational DVD series, I’ll stake you.”

  “Get your snoopy nose out of that bag. It’s got Hellhound’s gift in it.”

  Hellhound. I’d totally forgotten him. Damn. Now I needed to buy another gift, and it already sucked how much more he liked Nic than me. If Nic had got him a chewy treat, I’d have to beat that. I’d get him two chewy treats, covered in bacon.

  “Anyway,” Nic said. “I’m the pack leader, and, since you stupidly mentioned Christmas, I have to do something about it. We could’ve just ignored it, like every other year, but no. You got the idea in Kisho’s head, and now he’s like the Little Match Girl, except he didn’t even get to be an orphan growing up. He had to have an evil father.”

  “Say, Nic. If you were Kisho’s girlfriend, what would you get him for Christmas?”

  “I’d get better fashion sense so he doesn’t have the torture of looking at you.”

  Typical Nic answer.

  “Don’t be stupid. He prefers me with my clothes off.”

  Nic winced. He could be all coy when he wanted to be, but he’d had no complaints about my naked state himself.

  “So, confess, Clem Starr. You actually opened up your wallet for once and went Christmas shopping.”

  I flopped down on the sofa. There was no point keeping this from Nic. If I did, he’d probably break the wardrobe door looking for evidence. I might as well tell him my whole Christmas plan.

  Chapter 6 Plans

  “I’M NOT SURE WHAT WE’RE going to do with all this tinsel,” Nic said.

  “It’s Christmas. It’s meant to be colorful and happy.”

  He picked up a strand and shook it at me. “You could’ve gone for two colors, a tasteful combination. Say, silver and blue. That would’ve been good. Instead, you got every color in the store.”

  Was he serious? It was tinsel. Not such a huge deal.

  “Too late now.”

  He shook his head. “This means we have to get a tree to use all this up. And a tree means lights.”

  “We could set it up on Christmas Eve without Kisho knowing. He’d love it. And if we’re doing all that, we need Christmas lunch. Ham, turkey, salads. A bunch of desserts.”

  “I’ll support the desserts. All that other stuff, you can provide, since you’ll be the only one eating it.”

  I sighed. He did have a point about that, but it wasn’t like I could cook. And how would I get all that food into the house without Kisho knowing? If there was a massive ham leg in the fridge, he’d hardly miss it. We needed somewhere to store the food before the big day.

  Then I had an idea.

  “We can see what the girls are doing. It’d be sad if they’re spending Christmas Day alone. And they can bring the food.”

  “Yeah! Christmas lunch for us, too.”

  I wasn’t sure if that would be polite, inviting the girls to lunch, then having the vamps feed on them. But I guessed they were okay with that kind of thing. More than okay.

  “I’ll ask them. They might have other plans. Now, I just need to get a gift for Kisho. Are you sure you don’t have any ideas?”

  Nic shook his head. “If you really loved him, you’d know exactly what to get him.”

  Bastard. He’d just said that to upset me.

  “Do you think Vlad will turn up for Christmas?” Nic asked. “I’m not sure if I should get him a present.”

  I shook my head. “I wouldn’t bank on it. He’s a unicorn, not a reindeer. Anyway, we should get upstairs before people begin to wonder what we’re doing down in the basement.”

  Chapter 7 T-shirts

  LATER THAT NIGHT, I got a call from Rose.

  “The job’s done.”

  “Everything went okay?” It was the first job they’d done alone, and I felt a little guilty. I’d been too worried about my Christmas shopping to think they might be in danger.

  “All dusted. No problem at all. Leesa’s a bit pissy that she didn’t get to join us, but other than that, it’s all good.”

  “Okay. Let’s meet in the morning to discuss this. Say, Rose, do you have any Christmas plans?”

  “Nope. A can of baked beans on toast and maybe a Netflix binge, that’s about it.”

  “Sweet. We’ll discuss that in the morning, too. Bring coffee.”

  When I got to the office the next morning, Rose hadn’t bought coffee.

  “I thought you were joking,” she said. “Surely, you can fetch your own coffee.”

  Jeez, the girl had attitude.

  “You have to walk right by that great café on your way. I have nothing decent without making a huge detour.”

  “Never mind that. I’ll run out for coffee while you get ready for the meeting,” Tabia said.

  Then she stood there with her hand out. I got a fiver out of my bag.

  “That’s not going to cover five coffees, not unless you want me to go to the 7-Eleven for them.”

  I sighed and got more money out of my wallet. I really needed to make a cost/benefit analysis of this situation. I wasn’t sure if these girls were pulling in the money it cost to have them in my office.

  I took the receptionist’s chair into my office for the meeting. That would be another cost. More chairs. For a quick debriefing, one of them could stand, but at times like this, an extra chair would come in handy. It wasn’t like I could drag that old sofa in here.

  I handed Rose a file. “Before the meeting starts, get this up to date with your new client.”

  “Huh? Paperwork?”

  I shot her a half-smile. “It sucks, but it needs to be done. You never know when following up on a case will bring in more cash.”

  While I waited, I did a quick calculation. I guessed, with the money from Rose’s client, I’d come out ahead with these trainees. But could I bank on her doing that again? Maybe it had just been beginner’s luck.

  Francine came in and helped Rose with the paperwork. Then Leesa bounded in, all red-faced. I hoped the elevator wasn’t out of action again.

  “You sent these two out on a case and didn’t include me?” She stood, hands on hips and all frowns, making sure I didn’t mistake her anger.

  “It only needed two people. It’s not like I can send the three of you along on every case just so you get the experience. That’d be stupid. You’re not Charlie’s Angels, you know. Don’t worry. There’ll be plenty of cases for you to work on. It’s not a reflection on your skills.”

  “Yeah, and it wasn’t that exciting, anyway,” Francine added.

  Tabia returned with the coffee.

  “Okay, a fast meeting’s a good meeting,” I said. “First thing, what are you all doing on Christmas Day? If you don’t have plans, we’re having lunch at the vampire lair.”

  That turned Leesa’s frown upside down. “Really? That would be awesome. I’d planned to spend the day with my family, but yawn. My two sisters have a pack of kids between them, and it’s always hideous.”

  “You should spend it with your family,” Francine said. “Family is important.”

  “She could pop in to see the family before lunch. That would get duty out of the way before the fun,” I said.

  “Works for me,” Leesa said.

  “I’m in,” Rose said.

  She’d picked up the letter opener off my desk and used it to clean her nails. I’d never once used that thing to open letters, but still, gross. Okay, maybe I’d cleaned my nails with it a few times, but it looked disgusting when other people did it.

  “Francine?” I asked.

  “Sure.”

  “Okay, now we need food.
This is a surprise Christmas thing, so I can’t keep any food at the lair. I don’t want Kisho and the others to know about it.”

  The girls nodded. Leesa kind of crept around my office, fidgeting with things while I talked.

  “We can cook lunch,” Francine said. “We’ll bring it over.”

  “We can cook it, but she has to pay for the food,” Rose added. “All the fixings for a Christmas lunch, that’s going to add up fast.”

  “Nic’s organizing desserts, and you girls probably know what’s needed better than I do. I grew up in an orphanage. We only had water and gruel for Christmas lunch.”

  It was a bit better than that, but I needed to milk all the sympathy I could, or these girls would have their hands in my pockets constantly.

  Rose went through the details of her case. It’d been a standard incubus. Nothing too much to report.

  “How did you move his fixation from the client’s wife to yourself?” I asked her.

  “He gave me one of her dresses, doused in her perfume.”

  Standard tactic. k`12

  “And he paid up front, in cash?”

  “Yep,” Tabia said. “The money is in my drawer. We really need a better system.”

  “A better system means going through the tax system,” I said. “Then you get all kinds of bureaucrats poking around, asking questions about your business. We don’t need the red tape.”

  The girls nodded.

  “What are these?” Leesa asked. She held up a t-shirt.

  Hell, I’d forgotten those even existed. Where had she been poking into? Those things would’ve been at the very back of the cupboard.

  “‘I slay, you pay!’ That’s an interesting catch phrase.” Tabia took the t-shirt from Leesa.

  “Yeah, I thought it was a good idea at the time. T-shirts are great advertising. But it didn’t work out so well. If you want one, take it. But, oh, don’t wear it in public. That was the whole problem with the plan. Demon fighting, you need to advertise, but to the right people. Obviously, you don’t want the demons knowing you’re fighting them. But if you want to wear them to sleep in or for around the house, they’d be fine.”

  “That’s all for the meeting,” Rose said. She tossed her empty coffee cup in the bin.

  “That’s it,” I agreed. “Unless there’s anything else.”

  “We need the money for the food.”

  I walked to the reception desk and took the money out of the drawer, then peeled off a few notes.

  “And the rest,” Rose said. “Christmas ham don’t come cheap.”

  With that attitude, I regretted giving her one of my good t-shirts for free. I could’ve at least used it as a Christmas gift.

  Chapter 8 Market

  CHRISTMAS DAY RUSHED closer and closer, but I still hadn’t found anything for Kisho. I’d tried to probe him, but that had come up empty.

  “There’s nothing I need in this life but you,” he’d said.

  That was romantic and all, but it didn’t help with my gift-buying dilemma.

  I went to the boots store, but they didn’t have anything that seemed special enough.

  There was a great pair that I’d have liked for myself. Such soft leather and the perfect fit but, for once, I was thinking about shopping for someone else instead of myself, so I went back to the office.

  I had nothing to do, so I grabbed the paper clips. I hooked one over the other to join them together.

  I had three days left, and I was still empty-handed. I couldn’t give the rest of the pack gifts and not Kisho. And I couldn’t give him something lame, like aftershave or chocolates. I’d googled “gift ideas for vampires”, but that came up with nothing. You’d think the internet could be more helpful.

  I sat at my desk, making a list: “things Kisho likes”.

  So far, I had me, coffee, cleaning. That was a pretty shit list. And I was a shit girlfriend for writing such a shit list. This Christmas was fast becoming a situation in which I’d be judged and found wanting.

  My paper clip chain now reached the floor. That was the only productive thing I’d done today. Well, actually, it wasn’t all that productive, since it made the paper clips harder to use, but at least I’d done something.

  I couldn’t even ask anyone for help, because I’d already asked them and had only gotten really annoying answers. I needed better friends. Saying stuff like “he’ll like anything you give him” did not help at all.

  Nic was even worse, with his snarky suggestions.

  Maybe I could buy him a maid costume. He’d looked super cute that time he’d dressed up as a maid in Tokyo. That maid costume had appeared in several of my sexual fantasies about Kisho.

  I guessed buying Kisho something he’d hate would defeat the purpose, even if it was something I wanted him to have.

  I’d asked Nic, and I’d asked Luis and Shelley. I’d asked the trainees, and I’d even rung Portia Manchelli to get her opinion. She’d been the worst. As soon as she mentioned Rolex, I’d hung up. I didn’t have that kind of money, and I doubted Kisho wanted an expensive watch, although he did wear a few pieces of jewelry.

  I reached for more paper clips, but I’d used them all. This chain was super-long now. I could use it as a Christmas decoration.

  Then I remembered, I had one friend who might help. He might even help with jewelry.

  Timon. That little scamp. I bet now that the danger was over, he’d returned to his stall at the market.

  I ran downstairs and jumped into my Mustang. Hells, there was a parking ticket under the windscreen wiper. I jumped back out and screwed that thing up. Merry fucking Christmas indeed. I was pretty sure that all the parking inspectors had been given a photo of my car and license registration from the mayor. I was on their radar. I’d become a target. Damn the mayor.

  I headed to the market, forgetting it was three days until Christmas. The car park was a nightmare, a total nightmare. I’d have to park miles away. Then I saw a man carrying boxes under each arm. He was going back to his car, so I followed him.

  Bastard sat in his car for ages before starting it up. I was about to get his space when someone came down the row the wrong way and tried to swipe it from me. Every bloody time I came to the market, that happened.

  I inched my way in as the guy was still backing out. This space would be mine. Nobody stole my parking spot.

  I won.

  I totally won.

  I got out of the car.

  “You took my space!” someone yelled at me.

  I put my hands on my hips. “Your space? Your space? Are you insane? I’d been waiting for ages, and also, you came down the row the wrong way. There are rules, and if you don’t play by them, you lose.” Then I got a better look at the driver. “Oh, Nic! What are you doing here?”

  “I heard the cakes here are especially good. Now, back out and give me that space. I need to buy desserts for Christmas lunch.”

  “No way.”

  I walked off, because otherwise I’d be arguing with him for hours. I wasn’t even sure why the pack had let him drive himself here. Nic should never be allowed to drive a car.

  Inside the market, the usual insanity had been ramped up to full bedlam. All those old ladies with their shopping carts had a crazed glint in their eyes. They had to get the best fruit and vegetables for their families, even if it meant killing someone. Or ramming their ankles until they bled.

  Wow, a hipster coffee stand had opened here. Jesus. Soon, this market would be full of them. All the cool shit would be pushed out of the way, replaced by fedora stores and stalls selling antique typewriters and penny-farthings and other hipster crap.

  After I got my coffee, I walked through to the dark and gloomy back corner. There was a stall selling sun hats. That gave me an idea. I bought a cheery blue canvas hat, then kept walking to Timon’s stall.

  I lifted the flap and ducked in, keeping an eye out for sneak attacks.

  “Clem Starr. How do you even survive? You’re like a cockroach.”
r />   To my mind, Timon with his scurrying around in dark corners was much more cockroach-like, but I didn’t say anything.

  “What do you want?” he asked. “Tell me, then get out of here.”

  “I’m looking for a gift. For a vampire. Do you have anything fitting?”

  “You have to pay.”

  I sighed. Of course I knew that.

  He pulled out a board of jewelry. There were a few rings, but none of them looked Kisho-like.

  There was an interesting thing on a leather choker.

  “That won’t work,” he said. “It’s to repel evil.”

  “He’s not evil.”

  “He’s a vampire. I’m not sure the sigil will have the innate intelligence to determine whether he’s a good vampire or a bad vampire. Actually, are there any good vampires?”

  I ran my fingers over some of the old books on the shelf beside me. The dust flying off them made me cough.

  “You were only too happy to take their money not so long ago,” I said.

  “Business is business. Now, do you want to buy anything or not? I’d recommend the dragon ring.”

  The dragon ring was kind of okay, but I doubted it’d fit Kisho. He had rather large hands. Anyway, I didn’t want to get him something that was kind of okay. I wanted the perfect gift.

  I sighed. The clock kept ticking, but I was no closer to finding Kisho’s gift.

  “I’ll pass,” I said.

  As I walked back through the market, I wondered if I should run back and get that dragon ring. At least I’d have something for him to open. But no. Kisho had never expressed any interest in dragons, and it would be just a pretty trinket with no meaning. If I was going to get something meaningless, I could go with aftershave.

  I got back to the car and threw the hat I’d bought into the back seat. After leaving the market, I drove to the park. The old man would be there, feeding the ducks.

  “Hey, old man,” I said, sitting down beside him. “I got you something.”

  I handed him the plastic bag with the hat in it. He pulled it out and stared at it.

  “You’re always sitting in the sun, feeding these ducks. It pays to be sun smart, especially at this time of year. So, I thought this hat would be good for you.”