Merry Clem-mas: A Clem Starr Christmas story (Clem Starr: Demon Fighter) Page 2

  “There’s some left.” Luis kept his gaze on the floor. “We didn’t eat it all.”

  He kept backing out.

  Nic sighed.

  “By the way,” Luis said when he got to the doorway, “Did you know the mayor is in deep trouble?”

  With that, he left the room.

  “Come back here,” Nic commanded. “I need to know about the mayor.”

  Kisho got up to get the remains of the pie.

  “It was on the news,” Luis said, poking his head around the doorway. “People are angry because he’s not rebuilding the city fast enough. They want everything back to normal as soon as possible. No one wants reminders of the devastation.”

  “As much as I hate the mayor, there’s not much he can do about that. Businesses need to look after themselves,” Nic said.

  “Yeah, well, that’s not what the people are saying. They want him out of office.”

  Kisho set a decent-sized slice of pie in front of me. It was no half a pie, though.

  “What will we call the mayor if he gets booted out of office? I mean, everyone just calls him mayor, but he must have a name. He was something before he was mayor, right?”

  “Focus on the important point, Clem,” Nic said, staring down at his pie.

  He picked part of the cloudy meringue off the top. Which was stupid. Everyone knows the whole point of lemon meringue pie is the contrast of the sour lemon with the sweet meringue. You can’t separate them. That’s just wrong. This pie was wasted on him, and he only wanted it because it was mine.

  “Well, there’s not a lot we can do about the mayor’s issues, and, really, I don’t have any fucks to spare on him.”

  Nic nodded. “True. He did try to kill me. Again.”

  Chapter 3 Orphan

  WE WERE STILL SITTING with our empty bowls in front of us when Jeb got back.

  “Wow, you’re home early,” Nic said.

  “Didn’t Tabia put out?” I asked.

  Jeb rolled his eyes. “It’s not like that. I respect her.”

  “Oh, she totally didn’t put out.” I scraped my spoon over the bottom of my bowl, just in case there were any remaining bits of pie. Since I’d already done that about a hundred times already, I had no luck.

  “Clem, stop being so crass. You’re embarrassing Jeb,” Nic said, but the smile he shot me said the exact opposite.

  “You can’t talk,” Jeb said to me. “It took you and Kisho forever to get it on.”

  He sat down at the table with us.

  “There were extenuating circumstances,” I said. “Like his father causing a massive cock-blocking apocalypse. That really didn’t help.”

  “You had pie?” Jeb said. “And you didn’t save me any.”

  “Sorry,” Nic said to him. “I told Clem you might like some when you got back.”

  Then Nic and I both cracked up laughing. Only a fool would believe that.

  “Anyway, Tab told me about the Christmas party you’re putting on at the office. Sounds fun.”

  What the hell?

  “There is no Christmas party,” I told him. “I said the girls could bring in some drinks. That’s it. No Christmas party. Nothing major. A couple of beers.”

  “Really? Because she was talking Christmas decorations, the works.”

  I rolled my eyes. “I guess if she’s paying for it, she can do what she likes.”

  “We should do something,” Kisho said.

  We all turned to him.

  “What do you mean?” Nic asked. “Another excuse for Clem Starr to spend my money? We’re vampires.”

  “Hey, I don’t want any Christmas fuss,” I said. “And vampires can’t celebrate Christmas. That’s all kinds of wrong. You are undead and unholy. Creatures of the night, remember? All that evil, dark shit. That doesn’t go with Christmas.”

  Nic nodded. “Also, Christmas sucks. It’s for kids.”

  Kisho didn’t say anything, but his head drooped.

  “Even as a kid, my Christmases sucked,” I said. “I was an orphan, but there were no Christmas miracles for me. All that stuff is a pile of BS. I’m happy to treat it as another day.”

  “Me too,” said Nic.

  “I’d like a proper Christmas, just once,” Kisho said in a tiny voice.

  I didn’t want to repeat my comment about the undead not celebrating Christmas because I didn’t want to rub it in. And I really didn’t want to mention cultural appropriation. I guessed Kisho had never celebrated Christmas, growing up in Japan, then being with his evil father.

  “We could always stick Nic on top of a Christmas tree,” I said.

  “Because I look so angelic?” he said, smiling like a goddamn angel.

  “No, because having a stick up your ass is your default position,” I replied.

  “It’s just a fuss and messy and horrible. There’ll be no vampire Christmas for you, Kisho,” Nic said. “Get used to the fact.”

  He could say that, but Kisho looked like he’d break into tears. Damn it. That almost-crying face broke my stone-cold heart.

  Chapter 4 Shopping

  AT THE OFFICE THE NEXT day, I considered things.

  Kisho really wanted a Christmas. You didn’t need to be a genius to work that out. It might’ve been the way he’d said he really wanted a Christmas that had given it away. He hadn’t mentioned it again, but he’d seemed a bit down for the rest of the night.

  I guessed it wouldn’t hurt to do something to celebrate. Maybe leave a Santa stocking at the end of his bed. I had two weeks until Christmas Day. I could do some shopping.

  What would Kisho really like? Besides me, that is.

  The stupid thing was, I didn’t really know. I should know. I mean, he was my boyfriend, and we spent all our time together.

  He liked cooking, but buying him cooking stuff would be a bit meh. And he really liked sex. I could get sex toys. A cock ring. That would be a special Christmas treat that would keep on giving. But then the rest of the pack would ask what I’d given him for Christmas, and Kisho would tell them rather than lie. That pack knew way too much about my sex life as it was.

  “Hey, Tabia, are you getting Jeb a Christmas present?” I called out.

  There was only Tab and me in the office. The others had gone to the gym. Normally, I went with them, but I was too stressed. I’d go later. We’d got this awesome group deal at one of those 24-hour gyms, but Francine hated going there after hours. She worried that it was unstaffed and therefore risky. But for the price, you couldn’t argue. I didn’t really need someone supervising my workout.

  Tabia walked into my office from the reception desk.

  “Of course. I’m getting him this special lens for his camera. He really wants it, and that cheapskate Nic won’t give him any money, even though Jeb puts in so many hours working for him. Jeb does all the admin and finances for the motivational speaking business.”

  I didn’t look up at her. I didn’t want to check if that was meant to be a pointed comment at me.

  “I’m sure Nic has good reason,” I said. “Maybe his business isn’t doing that well, and he’d like to pay people more, but he can’t afford to. Is Jeb into photography?”

  She raised her eyebrows. “Yeah. He’s totally into it. I’m surprised you didn’t know.”

  Maybe I would’ve if I’d paid more attention to Jeb. Mostly, I avoided him even though we had things in common, like bitching about Nic, because he was so bitter.

  “Why does Andre do all the filming for Nic’s motivational videos, then?”

  Tabia huffed. “One time, he made Nic look bad. There was a weird shadow on his face or something. Nic threw a hissy fit about it, as though it was Jeb’s fault.”

  Wow, this was really something I wanted to stay clear of.

  “I want to buy Kisho a present, but I have no idea what. Maybe I should make him something. People like that, right? A present that comes from the heart.”

  Tabia stared at me. “If you’re five years old, they like it. From you,
actually spending some cash might be a novel thing.”

  What did she mean by that? Tabia was getting a bit mouthy about this money thing. First about Nic, and now me. That was what happened to people when they started dating. They got worried about security and settling down.

  But, really, could you make long-term plans with a vampire? Their long-term had a completely different scope from yours, but I wouldn’t mention that to her in case she hadn’t considered it. God, she might try to get Jeb to turn her, and then I’d have no receptionist.

  Or maybe she’d just been around Rose too long.

  Since Tabia was no help at all, I had no idea where to even start.

  “I’m going to take the day off. It’s quiet enough around here for you to handle on your own, and you can call me if anything comes up. I need to go Christmas shopping.”

  That actually sounded like as close to hell as you could get. The shops would be insane at this time of year, and I hated shopping at the best of times. But I needed some inspiration for Kisho’s present. Of course, the best person to consult about this would be Nic, but no way in hell would I ask that guy.

  I headed to the nearest department store. All that holly and tinsel and glittery shit around the place. Phht. But then, maybe Kisho would like it. I could sneak out while he was asleep on Christmas Eve and put up decorations. I could just imagine his face. He’d be like a kid — well, like a kid on Christmas morning. I would put aside my hatred of that shit just to see that look on Kisho’s face.

  Also, I was pretty sure it would annoy Nic.

  That damned music, though. How does anyone work in retail over the holidays and not go stark raving mad? I know what I’d be singing. All I Want for Christmas is a Bit of Shut the Fuck Up.

  Hey, maybe Kisho wanted a karaoke machine.

  Before I saw even one thing Kisho would like, I spotted something awesome. Twilight t-shirts. Luis and Shelley would love the fuck out of those t-shirts. They weren’t even regular t-shirts; they were Cullen baseball team tops. I didn’t know much about Twilight, but I’d kind of picked up bits living with Shelley and Luis. People say passive smoking is bad, but passive Twilight is worse.

  Shelley would squeal like crazy if he saw that t-shirt, but it was totally pricey, so I kept walking. There was no precedent for me buying the other vamps presents. Kisho was one thing, but if I got presents for Shelley and Luis, I’d have to get them for the whole pack. Yikes. That’s how they suck you in with this Christmas stuff.

  My phone rang.

  “I’ve got a client.”

  “Rose?”

  “Yeah, of course it’s Rose. I’ve got a client, so don’t gyp me on that fee split.”

  She couldn’t just get a client like that. We needed to be organised about this. What if the team were busy on other projects? Okay, that wasn’t likely at the moment, but we would need to talk about this.

  I got the details off the case off her. Sounded like a simple incubus deal. It should only take two of them.

  “Okay, you and Francine should be able to handle that on your own. But the most important thing is, get the payment off him in cash. Up front. We only deal in cash.”

  Hell, what if Rose tried to rip me off? She could tell me she’d negotiated the job at a lower price and pocket the difference. People did things like that all the time. I’d never know.

  “Wait, let me get there so I can negotiate the deal,” I told her.

  “It’s fine. I’ve done all that. I’m about to drop the money off to Tabia. Then Francine and I will head out on the case.”

  Then she told me the fee for the job. Whoa. I’d thought I had some awesome negotiation skills, but that girl had it going on. I could keep shopping while they did all the work, and pocket 60% of that fee. This was the sweetest moment of my life. I’d always hated teams, had avoided them my entire life, but now I knew what the problem was. I hated being a team member, but being team boss was the greatest thing in the world.

  Screw it. I turned around and bought the t-shirts. If I decided against giving the other vamps presents, I could always return the t-shirts to the store.

  What was happening to me? As I stood at the register, paying for the t-shirts, I wondered if they pumped consumerism through the sound system along with that shit-awful music.

  This meant I had to make a list. And making a list meant coffee. Then I might go to that awesome boot shop and look for something for Kisho.

  Chapter 5 Basement

  SINCE I WAS BUYING stuff for the pack, I figured I might as well go all out. I wouldn’t even think about that precious money.

  I finished my coffee and headed back to the department store. On the way, I called Tabia and asked her what to get for Jeb.

  She told me some kind of film.

  “Can you message that to me? I’ll forget before I get to the camera department, otherwise.”

  Film, huh? You could still get that stuff? I just grabbed a bulk pack of condoms for Andre. Vampires might not get diseases, but I wasn’t so sure about passing them on. No matter. He could keep that stuff covered.

  That just left Nic and Kisho. I had no idea about Nic. Cake, maybe. And Kisho’s present was starting to give me a migraine. Surely, since I loved him, I’d be about to easily settle on the perfect present. But not so much.

  I hadn’t even made it to the boot shop yet, so maybe the perfect present would appear. On the way, I walked through the toy department.

  Oh my God. Was that what I thought it was?

  I picked up the pink and purple unicorn plushy. If anything had Nic written all over it, it was that plushy. He’d been a bit lost since Vlad had left. He needed a unicorn. This one sparkled and everything.

  I took it to the counter.

  “That’s going to be one happy little girl come Christmas Day,” the woman said.

  Nice assumption she’d made there.

  “It’s not actually for a girl.”

  She pursed her lips, all disapproval but trying to smile. Fuck her arbitrary gender assumptions.

  “Well, one happy little boy, I guess,” she said.

  I smiled at her. I bet he would be a happy little boy, even if he covered his immense happiness with snarkiness.

  Since I was on a gift-buying spree anyway, I stopped by a little jewelry store nearby and got myself a pair of hoop earrings. They were really cute. Then I got similar ones for the girls. It might stop them bitching at me for a pay rise for a while.

  By then, it was a bit late to think about Kisho’s present. I didn’t want to rush it, and I really should find out his shoe size. Instead, I grabbed an Uber and headed back to the lair.

  Shit. I couldn’t walk into the lair with my arms laden with shopping bags. That’d look instantly suspicious. I wanted all this Christmas stuff to be a big surprise for the vamps. If people aren’t expecting anything, then any gift seems awesome.

  I got to the front door. No one was around.

  Hell, there was a Christmas wreath on the door. Who’d put that up? Kisho, I bet. After spending all day in the shops, I had Christmas songs stuck in my head. I started singing “Jingle Bells”, but I only knew the words to the “Jingle bells, Batman smells” version.

  The living room was empty. Too easy. The best place to hide my stash was the basement. No one used it at all since the groupies had moved out. I think Nic still had hopes that Vlad might move back in. As if. He was off in some la-la unicorn land, romping with the other ethereal critters. I wondered if he knew a pegasus. I’d love to meet a pegasus. Unicorns were all well and good, in their place, but a pegasus could fly.

  I turned on the basement light, then went downstairs, wondering where the best place to hide the gifts would be. I couldn’t just dump them in the corner. The basement had a musty, unused smell.

  The wardrobe might work. It was one of those ratty old wooden ones with the remnants of stickers some kid had put on it. The white paint had chipped. Best of all, it had a key still in the door. Inside, there were still some things
the trainees had left behind. An inner sole out of a shoe, and a bra. I wondered if that bra would fit me, so I held it up. Nope. It was Leesa’s. Way too small.

  I chucked all my gifts in there, then locked everything safely away. I’d keep that key well-hidden until Christmas Day. I was about to slip it into my cleavage when a noise startled me.

  “Clem Starr! What are you doing here?”

  I jumped but, luckily, had the key securely wrapped in my hand.

  Nic stood at the top of the stairs.

  “I’m looking for something.” What was he doing snooping around?

  “Would that be my exercise mats you ruined? Because you really should replace them. I never gave you permission to use them.”

  “You said I could train the girls down here. And, since they were a pivotal part of my Vampire King killing plan, you should be grateful I did.”

  “Speaking of your great plan, you still owe me a purple whiteboard marker, too.”

  Nic had eternal life as a vampire, but I’d bet you a million dollars that an eternity would not be enough time for him to fit in all his bitching about me using his purple marker. He really needed to learn to share.

  “Ah, found it,” I said. I bent down, pretending to pick something up off a shelf.

  “And what would that be?” he asked.

  “Girl stuff. Ah, Rose left some menstrual stuff here and asked me to look for it.”

  I suppressed a smile. That, right there, was the pinnacle of lies I’d told in my lifetime. Not just brilliant, but with the right twist to ensure Nic asked no more. He just nodded. If I hadn’t put that bra back in the wardrobe, I could’ve used that.

  “Well, you can clear out now. I’ve got some important business to do.”

  He started down the stairs, but he couldn’t fool me.

  “What business?” I asked him.

  “Vampire business. You wouldn’t understand.”